I Don’t Know How To Love Him

He’s a man, he’s just a man
And I’ve had so many men before
In very many ways
He’s just once more

Lyrics from “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” from “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack. 

Tyson made a confession tonight that truly scared me. To the point where my heart was racing. And I don’t know what to do.

It all started with JLS’s 20th anniversary party at the Bristol Lounge rooftop in one of Boston’s prominent neighborhoods. The sky was clear. Though the sun was about to set, the weather was a warm summer evening but not too humid. Perfect for an outdoor soiree.  Rooftop Lounge at Pod39, this one is at the top of my list Pod 39 Hotel, 145 East 39th Street (between 2nd and 3rd Avenues); (212) 865-5700.:

The party had an open bar with servers walking around and offering various appetizers to the attendees. As I walked into the party, I immediately spotted Tyson standing in a corner with a glass of wine in hand and talking with Chip. I was about to make my way towards them, but Pippa and Frankie pulled me into their conversation. Which I didn’t mind really.  I like hanging out my colleagues outside of work especially with Pippa and Frankie. When they are not working, they devote most of their spare time to their little kids at home. Tonight was a good excuse for them to relax and let go.

During the course of the party, I noticed  Mrs. Potts walking up and saying something to Tyson. I could tell by Tyson’s look on his face that her words were not so good news. He seemed upset.  He then looked back at me and I searched his face to figure out what was bothering him. But it was hard to tell so I just gave him a smile and gave a light wave with my fingers. He responded with a small smile and waved back.  I wanted to go up to him but I could feel Mrs. Potts’ ice cold stare on my back and decided to stay with Frankie and Pippa for the rest of the night.  As I was about to leave, Tyson caught me outside.

“Hi,” he said relieved that he finally could talk to me. “Since we’re both going to Park Street, how about we walked together?” I could hear a nervous tone in his voice.

“Sure,” I said giving him a weird look. As we headed out, he took my hand with arm and slipped it through the other. “What are you doing?”

“I…want to make sure you get to the station safely,” he stuttered. I smiled in amusement. I wanted to pull away but felt flattered about the gesture. However, I should have known what that gesture foreshadowed.

“I have to tell you something,” he said looking very serious  once we reached the station.“What is it?” I asked looking up and facing him.

“Listen, I know we are both working in the same company practically under a microscope. I am aware what I have said about office relationships. But you have been a wonderful friend and colleague who really pushes me to be a better person. I have come to be in awe of you every day both personally and professionally. I find myself always looking forward to seeing you come into the office everyday and missing you when I leave at night and sometimes over the weekends.”

His words took my breath away…in a not so good way. I started to fear what he was going to say next.

“Would…you go out with me? And be my girlfriend?” I just stared at him completely shocked. “Mrs. Potts came up to me tonight and bluntly told me you are off limits. But I am willing to take the risk and I don’t care what she or Mr. Byrne says,” he took my other hand and squeezed it. I was completely speechless. Honestly, I felt frightened and scared. I wanted to back away.

“I..I have to think about it,” I finally uttered and letting go of his hands.

“Oh,” Tyson did  clearly not expect that answer and looked disappointed. “Well good night then,” he said before getting on the red line heading to the opposite direction.

As I sat on the train back to Somerville, I thought of Tyson’s words and feel conflicted. He and I have become great colleagues. I’m just scared that a serious relationship could ruin all of that.  I really don’t know how to take this.

But then when I’m around him, I can just be myself. At the same time,  Tyson changed me for the better.

I mean he is a man, he’s just a man. I’ve had past relationships before. Would this be any different? I  should just  focus on my career.

If we did pursue a relationship, what if I bring him down especially when he’s worked so hard at JLS?

At the same time, I want to scream and shout to the world about how I really feel? Let my feelings out and speak of love. I never thought I would come to this.

Don’t you think it’s funny I’m in this position? I’m usually the one so calm and cool. I’m not easily fooled and am usually running every move.

All of these feelings  scare me so.  But then I want him too and I love him so.


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